Last Thursday I went in for my 25 week appointment with Kimmie Hubbard and Carleigh Hubbard Wood (Dave was getting his passport renewed next door at the embassy) and found out there were some concerns with my pregnancy, especially the position of my placenta. It's apparrently too low, a condition that could right itself and be totally fine, or something that would require bed rest and a possible c-section later on. I won't go into the what-ifs, as those thoughts have overwhelmed me this past week, especially as all my communication from my doctor is in Chinese with a translator to help... but not very clear.
However, I have experienced God's love and peace in a new way this week and I wanted to write about that. First, I'm more aware than ever of people who love us and pray for us and offer advice and encouragement when I've felt overwhelmed and not sure what to think or feel. Second, I've discovered that prayer is KNOWING that God is able to help me and be faithful, and praying is recognizing his power and counting on it. Third, worship is so much better than worry... Faith is more potent than fear.
Over the last couple weeks and even before finding out anything about me, I've been thinking about the worries and fears that plague us, the hardships and pain we go through. Seeing pain and suffering around me, and the effects of lost hope... all very distressing. BUT, I was also prompted to think about what's most important- if all else is gone, what do I hold on to? And I was reminded to be thankful. Thankful for my faith, my life, my family, my marriage, my daughter, my friends, my work... thankful for the gifts I've been given and aware that they are GIFTS that I couldn't take for myself, precious ones at that. And regardless of what I have or don't have, I know I am loved.
It's seemed in the last week that God has asked me to live this out in a new way. Am I going to let fear overcome me, or not? Am I going to be thankful, or demanding out of fear (and just frustrated when things don't go my way)? I guess the choice is mine. In the midst of hearing confusing information from doctors I don't understand, and researching the worst that could happen, I've felt more than ever like the persistant widow who really has nothing and begs for justice from the judge (luke 18). When it comes to this baby and what's going on, I cannot fix myself, only God can. But I need to count on God and his power that he is able and he hears my prayers... and that he is just and good. We studied Luke 18 in our small group on Sunday and prayed like the widow in a new way (i think Josie liked people's hands on my tummy, she rolled around through the whole prayer!)
The hopeful news is that I did get a doctor's appointment with a western doctor this Saturday. I hope to fully understand what is going on and not be in the dark. In the meantime, I'm taking it easy, coming to school to substitute teach which entails putting in a video and putting my feet up. Dave has been wonderful and intentional about keeping my life as easy as possible. I had friends visit all last week who did the same (thanks Kimmie, Carleigh, Karl and Mikkin!) More things to be thankful for! In chapel today Tim had us write our own psalms... another good exercise in being real with God. And Josie is alive and squirming more and more each day under my ribs, in my bladdar, in on my side. Most afternoons I just watch my tummy rumble:)
1 comments:
We'll be praying for you. This is the first of a lifetime of times when you have to trust God with your child, because there is nothing you can do to "fix it." Parenting (in my experience) is just learning and relearning this same lesson. Maybe that doesn't sound very encouraging, but if you think about it, who better to leave our children with?! I would rather have God in charge than me any day! It's still hard, though...
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